Saying Good-Bye: Practical Help for Talking to Preschoolers about Death.

Death is all around us in movies, video games, and the news. We cannot shelter our kids from it for very long. That is why it is very helpful for you to speak to your children openly and honestly about death, particularly when a loved one passes away. You may be tempted to think that they will not remember or be impacted, but what they will recall as an adult may surprise you. So here are a few tips from a pastor/former preschool teacher with a minor in Human Development and Learning on how to talk to them about death.

1. Walk Them Through the Cycle of Life.

Movies like Lion King and All Dogs Go to Heaven, introduce children to death, but preschool children often don't understand it. They need to be told the truth about it from their parents. You talk to them about dead plants or a dead pet fish as an introduction. They need to understand from you that birth, growth, decline, and death are all part of life.

2. Remind Them of How Much the Deceased Loved Them.

This is simple but important. They need to know that they are loved by the one who has passed away. Remind them of examples of this:

"Remember when your uncle gave you that special _______?" or " when your grandma cooked you that special cake?"

3. Create a New Category in Their Heads for Death.

Small children don't/can't make a distinction between sick with a common cold and terminally ill. Therefore, you need to create a new category for death in their young minds. They understand sleeping and going away somewhere, but this is different than death. You need to be very clear that death and being dead is not the same as going to sleep or going away. If you are not clear, children may be afraid to go to sleep at night or go away on a trip. Our efforts to shelter them from the harshness of the separation of death can backfire in a terrible way! Tell them things like:

"They are dead so that means they cannot talk to us anymore, they can't play anymore, they can't cook anymore, etc… Because their body does not work anymore."

4. Give Them Hope in Jesus Christ.

God's Word tells us to grieve differently than those who have no hope. If there is a clear testimony from the departed, let the child know that they are now in heaven with Jesus. Give the child hope that Jesus has conquered death, so we don't have to be afraid of death anymore!

5. Be Patient.

Being patient with young children can be a task any time, but it is especially true when we are grieving. When children ask questions like "do they breath anymore or do they go to the bathroom anymore?" They are not being insensitive, they are usually trying to understand what has happened to the person they love. They may even play games and use words like death and die as they play, to try to understand the concept. Their minds are sponges and they are taking all of it in, and believe me they are thinking about it.

6. Follow Up.

Don't forget to follow up with them in the coming days and weeks after you tell them. Ask them what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Be prepared for anything they may say, and above all love them!