Saying Good-Bye: Practical Help for Talking to Preschoolers about Death.

Death is all around us in movies, video games, and the news. We cannot shelter our kids from it for very long. That is why it is very helpful for you to speak to your children openly and honestly about death, particularly when a loved one passes away. You may be tempted to think that they will not remember or be impacted, but what they will recall as an adult may surprise you. So here are a few tips from a pastor/former preschool teacher with a minor in Human Development and Learning on how to talk to them about death.

1. Walk Them Through the Cycle of Life.

Movies like Lion King and All Dogs Go to Heaven, introduce children to death, but preschool children often don't understand it. They need to be told the truth about it from their parents. You talk to them about dead plants or a dead pet fish as an introduction. They need to understand from you that birth, growth, decline, and death are all part of life.

2. Remind Them of How Much the Deceased Loved Them.

This is simple but important. They need to know that they are loved by the one who has passed away. Remind them of examples of this:

"Remember when your uncle gave you that special _______?" or " when your grandma cooked you that special cake?"

3. Create a New Category in Their Heads for Death.

Small children don't/can't make a distinction between sick with a common cold and terminally ill. Therefore, you need to create a new category for death in their young minds. They understand sleeping and going away somewhere, but this is different than death. You need to be very clear that death and being dead is not the same as going to sleep or going away. If you are not clear, children may be afraid to go to sleep at night or go away on a trip. Our efforts to shelter them from the harshness of the separation of death can backfire in a terrible way! Tell them things like:

"They are dead so that means they cannot talk to us anymore, they can't play anymore, they can't cook anymore, etc… Because their body does not work anymore."

4. Give Them Hope in Jesus Christ.

God's Word tells us to grieve differently than those who have no hope. If there is a clear testimony from the departed, let the child know that they are now in heaven with Jesus. Give the child hope that Jesus has conquered death, so we don't have to be afraid of death anymore!

5. Be Patient.

Being patient with young children can be a task any time, but it is especially true when we are grieving. When children ask questions like "do they breath anymore or do they go to the bathroom anymore?" They are not being insensitive, they are usually trying to understand what has happened to the person they love. They may even play games and use words like death and die as they play, to try to understand the concept. Their minds are sponges and they are taking all of it in, and believe me they are thinking about it.

6. Follow Up.

Don't forget to follow up with them in the coming days and weeks after you tell them. Ask them what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Be prepared for anything they may say, and above all love them!

Remembering Aunt Karen

“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.”

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Aunt Karen entered into eternal rest in the arms of her Savior, Jesus Christ, Friday morning, July 11, 2014, after a long battle with cancer.  Karen was 54 years old. Karen loved her Savior and family. She loved us all through her amazing country cooking skills! As she sipped on her Mountain Dew, she would fry eggs to perfection, make amazing sausage gravy, cook the best peas you've every tasted  or beat you at a game of Rook. She was a long time member of Willow Springs Baptist Church. Former employer of Levi Strauss for over 20 years. She was beloved by the Lord and will be deeply missed by her family.

Preceded in death by mother, Norma Sue Severs.

Survivors: ex-husband, Steve Beeler of Luttrell; daughter, Keyla Beeler of Knoxville; father, Everett W. Severs; and sister: Deborah  and Jack Tyler, Fall Branch; brothers, Chris and Lisa Severs of Karns, Jeff and Linda Severs of Powell; special friend, Shirley McLain;  Nephews, Travis and Becki Tyler of Elizabethton, Ryan Severs of Knoxville, and Christopher Severs of Jacksonville, North Carolina, Luke Severs of Powell; Nieces, Tiffiney Tyler of Kingsport, Jessica Severs of Powell and cousins; She is also survived by several beloved great nephews and great nieces.

I wanted to write about my aunt as part of my process of the grieving.  Our family will dearly miss her, because we had spent so much time with her over the last five years especially.  Over the last six years or so, due to unfortunate events, Karen lived with my parents.  During this time she became very close to my children like a second Mamaw. She made many trips to Indiana for all the major events in our lives like my seminary graduation, the birth of all my children, holidays, birthdays, and baby dedications.  In addition to this she also came up many times to help us, for example when Becki was on bed rest before and after Asher was born.

I loved her dearly, and the grief is more than I thought it would be.  I find great comfort in hearing her tell me about how she repented and placed her complete trust in Jesus Christ for her salvation.  She told me that she was "saved during a regular Sunday Morning at a little baptist church off Unaka Avenue in JohnsonCity, Tennessee".  We all tried to prepare ourselves for what is coming, and I knew that she was going to pass soon.  Being in the ministry for nearly 12 years now, I have stood by many bedsides and watched people slip into eternity.  Karen fought her cancer hard, she had stage four lung cancer for two years!  The average life expectancy rate is about 9 months for stage four lung cancer.  I want to share with you what I learned from my Aunt.  Without her help I would have no idea how to make homemade sausage gravy, dice veggies with ease, or make peas that taste amazing.  I learned from her and I thought I would give a little window into what she taught me/us.  Here goes:

Karen you taught us how to…

     Love passionately,

    Forgive completely,

    Work Happily,

   Cook correctly,

    Laugh heartily,

    Serve sacrificially,

   And fight fervently!

"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." -Psalm 116:15

I love you, Aunt Karen and will miss you always, until we meet at Jesus' Feet!

Pastor Emeritus Ron Owens

“Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching” 

-1 Timothy 5:17 

This past Sunday, Grace Baptist Church fulfilled 

1 Timothy 5:17 by having a service and tea in honor of Pastor Ron Owens. The church voted back in the spring to grant this honorary title to Pastor Ron for his 18 years of service to our church. I am very thankful for all the pastors of Grace Baptist Church and their faithful service. Many times as the pastor of Grace Baptist I feel like the passage in Deut. 6:11 which describes God setting his people up in "houses full of every good thing that you did not fill them with, wells dug that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant". I know that there are many good and excellent things that we enjoy today that were brought about under the faithfulness of other leaders like Pastor Ron. I first met Pastor Ron at my home church in Fall Branch, Tennessee. One of the things I noticed about Pastor Ron was that, when you were speaking to him he made you feel like you were the most important person in the world to him.  He has always been quick to listen and slow to speak!  And when he does speak has always been very encouraging to me personally. I am blessed to be placed in a church where I follow a ministry of a faithful servant like Pastor Ron. It was also such blessing for me to hear from others about how Pastor Ron and his family had been a blessing to so many others. Thank you Pastor Ron and your family for your faithful service and sacrifice through the years!

14 Values that Godly Couples Have (Part 4)

I was cleaning out our storage barn over Memorial Day weekend and found notes from a professor's class named Dr. Tackett. In honor of Becki and I's recent anniversary, I thought I would share 14 values that Godly Couples have over the last three weeks. This is the final installment of the serious. I did not come up with these value, they comes from the research of my professor that he did and from his time researching wit Dr. John Gottman. The Gottman Institute can predict with amazing accuracy those couples who will be divorced. Please not that I have rephrased these 14 values to be easier to read and understand.

13.  Godly couples see God's providence in focal moments. (Romans 8:28)

•  Everyday God is at work in each individual, giving guidance through helping them recall scripture to apply to a situation. Focal moments are moments that are of intense stress which tends to draw upon the primal emotions(sadness, fear, anger, joy). These moments can cause it to be easy for us to misinterpret what others are saying and doing. Godly couples seize these moments as opportunities for God to be glorified through pouring out love, respect, and thankfulness for each other.

14.  Godly couples seek to deal with problems now or as soon as possible. (Ephesians 4:25-32)

• Godly couples have learned that the best time to solve problem is to deal with it now, but also do things to prevent a problem from occurring. They have learned to be anger and yet not sin toward each other. They have learned to not let the sun go down o their problem, if the problem cannot be solved in a conversation, please do not go to bed angry. They do not give the devil or others an opportunity to injure their marriage. They have learned to do honest work toward each other through ceasing corruptive talk towards each other and edifying each other in speech. They have learned to respond though kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness toward one another.

14 Values that Godly Couples Have (Part 3)

I was cleaning out our storage barn a few weeks ago and found notes from a Southern Seminary professor's class named Dr. Tackett. In honor of Becki and I's recent anniversary, I thought I would share 14 values that Godly Couples have over posts. I did not come up with these value, they comes from the research of my professor that he did and from his time researching wit Dr. John Gottman. The Gottman Institute can predict with amazing accuracy those couples who will be divorced. Please note that I have rephrased these 14 values to be easier to read and understand.

10.  Godly couples do not repay evil for evil, but overcome it with good. (1 Peter 3:9)

• Couples must move past the stage in their relationship of seeing the differing opinion of their spouse as infringement, but as a way to understand their mate better. When we are misunderstood we often sense the we are missing something. There is a call from scripture to learn to live as a living sacrifice to God; the Spirit is needed to help couples think more like scripture calls us to think. When there is constant fighting, each spouse struggles to believe that God is transforming their mate.

11.  Godly couples are in a continual cycle of forgiveness and reconciliation. (2 Cor. 5:17-6:1)

• Every couple will have verbal fights and conflict, but it is the Godly couple who will realize that they must be a minister of reconciliation, especially in marital life. Here are some steps in the process:

1. They seek to bring spiritual and marital reconciliation. They move the focus off their spouse's sin to their own sin.
2. In the early steps the spouse becomes deeply remorseful about their own sin.
3. The deep sense of remorse is expressed in a vulnerable confession of sin and is an invitation to respond in kindness.
4. Generally this invitation is given 2-5 times before the other spouse responds constructively and joins them.
5. Once this deep sense of remorse occurs in both they ask for forgiveness.
6. Godly couples are consciously extending the rose of thankfulness to their spouse. (Eph. 1:16 & 5:20)

12.  Godly couples will consciously experience thankfulness in their marriage. 

• We must see thankfulness like the rose spring that brings a beauty and aroma that is pleasing to all. Kudzu on the other had is fast growing and difficult to kill. Kudzu could be compared to the negative sentiments we have for our spouses, if left unchecked it will destroy any possibility of healthy growth for the marriage. These couple are deeply thankful for each other.  Because thankfulness chokes out self centeredness in a marriage and helps each spouse over looks little sins. When we live this way, in a state of continuous thankfulness for our spouse, we find it difficult to see the little negative things that they do.

Southern Baptist Convention 2014

I am posting this from Baltimore, Maryland.  We arrived early enough to enjoy the Pastor's Conference in full beginning on Sunday.  The seafood here in Baltimore is excellent,  praise the Mary Land for their crab cakes and clam strips!  The theme of the Pastor's Conference was Show Us Your Glory  in which we were challenged to have an ever increasing desire to long for God's glory.  As in any preaching conference, there is that one sermon that sticks out in your mind.  This year for me it was Rick Warren's message he gave during session 4, as he spoke from a broken heart in the wake of the tragic suicide of his youngest son.  He took a four month grief sabbatical.

Pastor Warren's first Words to open his sermon were,

     "If you want the blessing of God on your life, If you want the power of God on your words, you must be willing to suffer trials and tribulations, because you can't enter the throne room without going through the thorn room."

This got my attention and it grabbed everyone else in the room.  I don't think anyone was even coughing.

He went on to say,
   "There is no publicly successful ministry without private pain.  There are no messages for us without messes.  There is no impact without criticism.  Those who are the most blessed are those who are the most attacked."

He spoke on the worst day of his life, the battle for hope he faced when they found their son who had battled depression for years had taken his life.  He spoke of the ministry of presence where as he put it, "You show up and you shut up."  The greater the hurt the less the words.

Here is Pastor Warren's outline:

Text:  2 Corinthians 1:3-11, 4:10, 6:4, Philippians 1:12  and Romans 8-12

Title:  The Five Ways That God Uses Suffering in Your Life as a Believer

1. Inspect Me
2. Direct Me 
3. Correct Me
4. Protect Me
5. Perfect Me

And What we need to do in response:

1. Draw Closer to God.
2. Draw Closer to Others.
3. Become More Like Jesus- The Number One Purpose of our Life.- Read Hebrews 5, teaches we learn obedience through suffering.
4. Help Others.  He referred to this as Redemptive Pain.
5. Witness to the World!

In addition to this James MacDonald preached an excellent sermon that blessed my heart. 

In addition to this, baptisms are falling faster in decline across the board in the convention.  We are losing ground.  Here is a link to the full report.According to churches reporting in the 2012 ACP: 

• 25% of Southern Baptist churches reported “0 baptisms”
• 60% reported no youth baptisms (age 12-17 bracket)
• 80% reported 0-1 young adult baptisms (age 18-29 bracket)
• The only consistently growing age group in baptisms is age five and under.

Remember it takes everyone doing the work of an evangelist to turn back numbers like this.

14 Values that Godly Couples Have (Part 2)

I was cleaning out our storage barn over Memorial Day Weekend and found notes from a professor's class named Dr. Tackett. In honor of Becki and I's recent anniversary, I thought I would share 14 values that Godly Couples have over four different blog posts. I did not come up with these value, they came from the research of my professor that he did and from his time researching with Dr. John Gottman. The Gottman Institute can predict with amazing accuracy those couples who will be divorced. Please note that I have rephrased these 14 values to be easier to read and understand.

6.  Godly couples have a very strong sense of passion toward each other emotional, relational, and sexually.

•  Simply put these couples love to be together. This can be seen on all levels: as a basic physical attraction    to one another and conversational. There is a continuing development of sincerity, leading to the     development of a place of both feeling secure and protected. There is a strong flow of reciprocal emotions and chemistry with each other which grows over time into a priceless love, a full and complete selfless love for each other.

7.  Godly couples value consistency and change. (Ephesians 4:15-16)

• Godly couples place a high value on a deep personal sense of wanting to change consistently…growing in Christ. There are five factors:

1. Speak the truth in love- that is speaking honestly with one another with a                                             honoring and valuing of the other person.
2. Their growth and change is consistent, they hold on to what they do.
3. Change is gradual, done in little ways.
4. Change must be long lasting both in the person and the marriage.
5. God is the author of all growth that is biblically based. God will be at work in the husband and wife and their marriage.

8.  Godly couples value the relationship they have with their spouse as the most important earthly relationship they have. (Gen. 2:24) 

• Godly couples should have emotionally, mentally, spiritually left their family and built their own family under God's design… Marriage is thicker than blood, though blood is thicker than water. The men must initiate the leaving and the women responds by leaving her parents. How will or could a young woman fell protected and secure if he is still committed to his family? These couples value their relationship above their children, which in turn produces a deeper level of security for the children.

9.  Godly couples understand that as they both grow closer to God, they will grow closer to one another.

As the husband and wife both work to grow closer to God, they will also grow closer to one another.  I have seen cases where only one in the relationship is growing towards Christ, causing the couple to drift apart.  Each must do all they can to help their spouse grow in Christ likeness for the glory of God and so that they will reap the benefit of growing closer together.