5 Types of Dads That Exasperate Their Children

 "Fathers,  do not exasperate  your children, so they won’t become discouraged."

- Colossians 3:21

I would like to share with you the five types of fathers that exasperate their children.  The word exasperate means to strongly irritate, and to do so repeatedly.  Let me share a few statistics on fatherless children:

·         63% of youth who commit suicide are fatherless.

·         90 % of all youth who run away from home had no father at home.

·         85 % of youth/children with behavior disorders have no father.

·         80% of all rapist had no father at home.

The Bible places a special emphasis on fathers in the raising of children, but  this post is helpful for anyone who is raising children.  Here are five types of Dad that strongly irritate their children which provokes them to anger:

1. The Proud Dad- this is a father who will rarely admit he is wrong. You will never hear him these words, "I am sorry" or "Please forgive me". There is a need to always be right. This type of father demands repentance from his children, but rarely gives it to them. His motto is "Do as I say, not as I do." His children are provoked because they see no justice!!

2. The Angry/Controlling Dad- These are fathers who are ridged and inflexible, having a short fuse. These fathers are quick to speak and slow to listen. His motto is "Do this because I said so!" This father has forgotten that the anger of man will not produce the righteousness God requires. (James 1:20) His children are provoked by the constant turmoil in the home.

3. The Inconsistent Dad - This type of father is always moving the boundaries for the home. The house rules are fluid and always changing from day to day. His motto is "I know I said that yesterday, but this is what I want today!" He will provoke his children, because they never know what can or cannot be done.

4. The Religious/Perfectionist Dad- This type of dad sets out standards that are to lofty to be met by any child. No behavior or performance is good enough for this type of dad. They are often times church goers, who drive their children to make the necessary behavior changes to fit a church culture. This type of dad doesn't aim for the heart of his children(Matthew 15:8-9) and will raise either a rebellious or religious child like themselves. Often their children are worse than their fathers were on them. (Matthew 23:15).

5. Submissive Dad- These are fathers who constantly cave to the temper tantrums of their children, especially in public. They fear conflict and are afraid to correct. They want to be their kids friend not their parent. This provokes the children to anger because there are no boundaries, setting them up for failure as an adult. There have been many business meetings where 60 and 70 year old men throw temper tantrums to get their way, many churches caving to them. Sadly these men never outgrew their manipulation tactics.

We need to love our children with gospel centered love, discipline, and investment.  We must affirm our love for them, and be honest about the reality of sin in their lives and in ours.  Fathers and parents, we will never make a more beneficial investment of time, money and energy, than in our children!  I would like to give a special thanks to Dr. Steward Scott for helping me to think through these matters.

10 Steps to Forgiveness

Note this has been taken and modified from Neil Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness, ch. 11

"Healing Emotional Wounds From Your Past"

 

Following these steps will help you prepare your heart for having an attitude of forgiveness and unchain yourself from the past.  Helping you to get on with your life in a manner that is pleasing to God:

1.  Write on a sheet of paper the names of the person(s) who offended you or sinned against you.  Describe in writing the specific wrongs you suffered (i.e., rejection, deprivation of love, injustice, unfairness, physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse, betrayal, neglect, etc.).

2.  Face the hurt and the hate.  Write down how you feel about the person(s) and their offenses.  Remember:  It is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions.  It is a sin to live and be controlled or led by your emotions.  God knows exactly how you feel, whether or not you admit it or not.  If you bury your feelings you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness. 

3.  Acknowledge the significance of the cross.  It is the cross of Christ that makes forgiveness legally and morally right.  Jesus took upon Himself the sins of all who would trust in Him - and He died "once for all" (Heb. 10:10).  The heart cries, "It isn't fair!  Where's the justice?"  It's in the cross.

4.  Decide that you will bear the burden of each person's sin (Galatians 6:1,2).  This means that you will not retaliate in the future by using the information about their sin against them (Luke 6:27-34;  Prov. 17:9).  All true forgiveness is substitutionary as Christ's forgiveness of us was.  Remember when you choose to forgive you are saying:

a.  I will not bring this matter up to you (the offender) again in a hurtful way in the future

b.  I will not bring this matter up to others

c.  I will not choose to dwell on it myself (to rehearse it and nurse it)

5.  Decide to forgive.  Forgiveness is a crisis of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and free yourself from the past.  You may not feel like making this decision, but this is a crisis of the will.  Since God tells you to, you can choose to do it.  The other person truly may be in the wrong and subject to church discipline or even legal action.  But that's not your primary concern.  Your responsibility is to let him off your hook.  Make that decision now; your feelings of forgiveness will follow in time.  Right feelings follow right action or obedience to God's commands.  Don't wait until you feel forgiving.  It will likely never happen.

6.  Take your list to God and pray the following:

"Dear heavenly Father, I thank You for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance, and patience, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance (Romans 2:4).  I confess that I have not extended that same patience and kindness toward others who have offended me, but instead I have harbored bitterness and resentment."

Then use the following sentence to go through the list of offenses that you wrote down in step #1.  And pray,  "I forgive (name)  for (list the offenses individually, one at a time). "

7.  Destroy the list.  You are now free.  You do not need to tell the offenders what you have done.  Your forgiveness is between you and God.  The person you may need to forgive could be dead.

8.  Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other person(s).  Instead pray for them (Matt. 5:44) so they too may find the freedom of forgiveness (Gal. 5:1,13,14).

9.  Expect positive results of forgiveness in you.  In time you will be able to think about the person(s) who offended you without feeling hurt, anger or resentment.  You will be able to be with them or hear them spoken of without reacting negatively.

10.  Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of the offenses and your decision to forgive the offender(s)  (Romans 8:28,29).

Forgive One Another!

^"accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive."

-Colossians 3:13

As a pastor,  I am often in council with individuals who don't understand how forgiveness works in human relationships.  The best biblical definition of forgiveness would be a promise of a pardon done properly and with the right motivation.  We see forgiveness modeled in the gospel. While God desires all to come to faith in him(2 Peter 3:9), not everyone is forgive (Revelation 20:11-15).  It is only those who have confessed and repented of their sins (Romans 10:9) who receive the forgiveness of God.  In a positional sense, we belong to Christ once we have repented and believed, but we still need God's forgiveness after salvation.  Christians still sin, and they still need to confess that sin in order not to fracture their relationship with God.  Scripture calls those who have been forgiven children of God (1 John 1:12).  There are many children who are estranged from their parents, because of the sin of the children.  Those children do not cease being sons and daughters of their parents, but their relationship can be fractured.  And that fracture cannot be repaired properly until the child owns their sin and asks for forgiveness.

In a similar way, in order to guard the unity of the church, believers in the local body must constantly be confronting and confessing sin.  Some passages in the Bible seem to indicate that you can just simple forgive someone without ever speaking to them about the matter (Mark 11:25); however, some passages seem to indicate that there can only be forgiveness when the offender asks to be forgiven (Luke 17:3-4).  

To make sense of this tension, I would argue there is a difference between the attitude of forgiveness and the transaction of forgiveness.  Perhaps the hardest work of the two is preparing our hearts to forgive.  We must draw on the forgiveness we have been given in order to forgive others.  A heart that has an attitude of forgiveness, will do everything it can to help the one who has sinned against us to repentant, and a forgiving heart will always be ready and quick to reconcile, as Psalm 86:5 says about God. It is not an issue of "speaking your mind" it is an issue of repairing the fractured relationship.  The transaction of forgiveness takes place following the exposure of the sin.  After the one whom we have confronted has repented, we must forgive them and remember the promises of forgiveness we are making:

a.  I will not bring this matter up to you (the offender) again in a hurtful way in the future

b.  I will not bring this matter up to others

c.  I will not choose to dwell on it myself (to rehearse it and nurse it)

Why Should I Be Baptized?

"Having been buried with Him  in baptism, you were also raised with Him  through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead." - Colossians 2:12

The above verse is speaking about what happens to a believer when they are baptized by the Holy Spirit.  From what we can tell, this passage deals with what is happening in a spiritual sense.  There is no division of salvation and later receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  The above verse in Colossians shows the baptism by the Holy Spirit and saving faith happening at the same time.  So then why are we baptized if it happens spiritually by the work of the Holy Spirit?  I would like to spring board into a few reasons why you should be baptized if you have confessed your sins and placed your full trust in Jesus Christ as your only hope of salvation.

1.  Baptism has been commanded by Jesus.

When we read the great commission in Matthew 28:19-20, we see plainly that baptism is commanded by Jesus to his disciples.  It is not a suggestion or an option,  baptism is a command!  Jesus not only commanded, but he modeled it when he was baptized in Matthew 3:13-17.

2.  Baptism publicly declares one's faith to a lost and dying world.

Matthew 10:32-33 gives a sobering warning about what happens, if or when we deny Jesus publicly before those who don't believe or follow him.  Remember we approach God on his terms, and he has selected baptism in water as the means to publicly identify with Christ and salvation.  Just like when we go to a wedding, the ceremony does not create the commitment between a man and a women, but it does identify them with each other in a very public manner.

3.  Baptism was received by all who professed Jesus in the New Testament.

In Acts 2:37-38 & 2:41, clearly indicate that new believers followed Jesus by being baptized.  In Acts 2 it says that after hearing Peter's message, 3,000 received the message and were baptized.  Can you imagine how long it would take to baptize 3,000 people in a day? The apostles must have been helping Peter do the Lord's work in this passage.  Don't forget about the Ethiopian who believed and was baptized in Acts 8:35-38.

4.  Baptism is an expression of your love though obedience to Him.

John 14:21 tells us that if we love Jesus we will keep his commands.  Have you ever had someone help you in a way that you could never have helped yourself, nor pay them back?  In  a situation like this our hearts ask, "what can we do to show our gratitude?"  Not only did Jesus do for us what we could not do ourselves, but he also tells us what we can do to show him genuine gratitude.  He has asked us to praise and worship of him through obedience.  Baptism is an act of worship to God, demonstrating in front of others our love, commitment, and gratitude for Jesus Christ.

Warning: Danger Ahead! (Part 2)

^" Be careful that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit based on human tradition, based on the elemental forces of the world, and not based on Christ."  -Colossians 2:8

As a follow up from my last post.  I would like to give a warning about several false teachings that are prevalent in the church today.  These teaching tend to take believers in Christ captive as the verse above states.  These are not in the order of most or least important. 

1.       Legalism

Most believers are smart en

ough to know that we don't work for salvation or grace, but many can fall into the trap of boiling the Christian life into rule keeping consisting of do's and don'ts.  I also think that we can fall into the trap of thinking that if we will behave ourselves, we might earn a little more favor with God.  The truth is that grace is simply unmerited favor.  Sadly many families raise their children in a legalistic sense and these children leave the church, never to return.

2.       Libertinism

This is chiefly a misunderstanding of God's grace.  It is the belief that since we are now under grace, we have no need for the law.  Instead of using God's grace to deny their sinful living, they use it to justify it. 

3.       Traditionalism

Traditionalism fails to distinguish between biblical principles for ministry and cultural methods for implementing these principles.  Years ago, DL Moody and others of his time, believed that you had to have "after meetings" in order to reach people with the gospel.  These were meetings after a worship or revival service. The preacher would meet with those who wanted afterwards for more of less a Q and A session.  Today we don't even know what an "after meeting" is, but in its time it was a popular method.  It also answers the questions of a past generation.  There is a failure on the part of a person or church to build bridges into culture instead of throwing rocks.  There is also a failure to be able to recognize and discern the culture around us.  This view romanticizes and idolizes the past.  Perhaps King Solomon said it best when the wrote:

"Don't say, "Why were the old days better than these?  For it is not wise to ask this?"  (Eccl. 7:10)

4.       Innovation

If traditionalism is backwards looking and removed from culture, than innovation is the other extreme of this view.  It is more or less a bridge too far into culture.  It is unrestrained and undiscerning of culture that instead of calling people into the light, are taken captive by culture. also captivates it to the culture.  If the truth of the gospel does not lead and guide, then those involved in this false teaching will, as the apostle Paul, called "Exchange the truth for a lie."

5.       Mysticism

Mysticism is an over infatuation with the experience, seeking to separate the operation of the Holy Spirit from the objective Word of God. The Holy Spirit will never lead us with a spiritual impression that is contradictory to the Word of God.

6.       Feminism

The main problem in this teaching is that it revolves around role confusion and reversal.  Please keep in mind that God is a God of order.  Within the trinity, God the Father is equal to Jesus Christ, but there is a submission on Jesus' part to God the Father.  Once we begin down this path of role confusion, it creates many problems both at home in the church.  May we honor the order God has given for biblical manhood and womanhood.