10 Steps to Forgiveness

Note this has been taken and modified from Neil Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness, ch. 11

"Healing Emotional Wounds From Your Past"

 

Following these steps will help you prepare your heart for having an attitude of forgiveness and unchain yourself from the past.  Helping you to get on with your life in a manner that is pleasing to God:

1.  Write on a sheet of paper the names of the person(s) who offended you or sinned against you.  Describe in writing the specific wrongs you suffered (i.e., rejection, deprivation of love, injustice, unfairness, physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse, betrayal, neglect, etc.).

2.  Face the hurt and the hate.  Write down how you feel about the person(s) and their offenses.  Remember:  It is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions.  It is a sin to live and be controlled or led by your emotions.  God knows exactly how you feel, whether or not you admit it or not.  If you bury your feelings you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness. 

3.  Acknowledge the significance of the cross.  It is the cross of Christ that makes forgiveness legally and morally right.  Jesus took upon Himself the sins of all who would trust in Him - and He died "once for all" (Heb. 10:10).  The heart cries, "It isn't fair!  Where's the justice?"  It's in the cross.

4.  Decide that you will bear the burden of each person's sin (Galatians 6:1,2).  This means that you will not retaliate in the future by using the information about their sin against them (Luke 6:27-34;  Prov. 17:9).  All true forgiveness is substitutionary as Christ's forgiveness of us was.  Remember when you choose to forgive you are saying:

a.  I will not bring this matter up to you (the offender) again in a hurtful way in the future

b.  I will not bring this matter up to others

c.  I will not choose to dwell on it myself (to rehearse it and nurse it)

5.  Decide to forgive.  Forgiveness is a crisis of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and free yourself from the past.  You may not feel like making this decision, but this is a crisis of the will.  Since God tells you to, you can choose to do it.  The other person truly may be in the wrong and subject to church discipline or even legal action.  But that's not your primary concern.  Your responsibility is to let him off your hook.  Make that decision now; your feelings of forgiveness will follow in time.  Right feelings follow right action or obedience to God's commands.  Don't wait until you feel forgiving.  It will likely never happen.

6.  Take your list to God and pray the following:

"Dear heavenly Father, I thank You for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance, and patience, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance (Romans 2:4).  I confess that I have not extended that same patience and kindness toward others who have offended me, but instead I have harbored bitterness and resentment."

Then use the following sentence to go through the list of offenses that you wrote down in step #1.  And pray,  "I forgive (name)  for (list the offenses individually, one at a time). "

7.  Destroy the list.  You are now free.  You do not need to tell the offenders what you have done.  Your forgiveness is between you and God.  The person you may need to forgive could be dead.

8.  Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other person(s).  Instead pray for them (Matt. 5:44) so they too may find the freedom of forgiveness (Gal. 5:1,13,14).

9.  Expect positive results of forgiveness in you.  In time you will be able to think about the person(s) who offended you without feeling hurt, anger or resentment.  You will be able to be with them or hear them spoken of without reacting negatively.

10.  Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of the offenses and your decision to forgive the offender(s)  (Romans 8:28,29).